Upside Down, Inside Out

So I haven't written in a long time.  I think I started my last post with that very same sentence...

There has been a lot of life lived since the last time I blogged.  A lot of joy and a lot of sadness.  There have been moments that I never want to forget, and some that I want to forever blot out of my memory. My life in the last year has been full of fickle emotions, many questions, and life-changing experiences.  My life this past year can be defined in one word... INCONSISTENT.

- displayed or marked by a lack of consistency
- not always acting or behaving in the same way
- not continuing to happen or develop in the same way
- having parts that disagree with each other
- not in agreement with something
- not satisfiable by the same set of values for the unknowns
Synonyms: clashing, conflicting, disagreeing, discordant, discrepant, incompatible, incongruous, inharmonious, repugnant, at variance
Antonyms: accordant, agreeing, compatible, concordant, confortable, congruent, consistent, consonant, harmonious, nonconflicting

Life is inconsistent. Life is ever-changing.  Sometimes those changes are fun.  And honestly, especially this past year, senior year of college, they have mostly been really scary.  I included the dictionary results above, not because you don't know the definition of the word inconsistent, but because that is an inevitable reality in life: inconsistency.  There is one true Antonym, however.  That Antonym is Christ.  In the past year, I have faced some of the most joyful, exciting, butterflies in my tummy, "God is so great", "my life is perfect" moments, but I have also faced some of the most heart wrenching pain, frustrations, shame and insecurities, and straight-up embarrassment, "Why God, how could you let this happen" trials I have ever had to face in my life.  My life has been turned upside down, inside out.

The truth is: being turned upside down, inside out, broken with no direction and literally, down on my knees in tears is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I can sit here and say, even though I still have no idea what the next minute holds for me, I am becoming more holy, more loving, more selfless, more trusting and more Christ-centered.  I still fail.  I failed yesterday, today and I will fail again tomorrow.  I still have fears and lies I believe.  See, as a human being, I am inconsistent.  The difference is:  I realize more through these trials and heartbreak that I only have Him and I need only Him.  Christ is my constant.  He is my unchanging.  He will never leave me.  I have let the fading glories of this life become my idols: marriage, friends, a career, children, a home and simply just a plan for my life.  But that plan was stripped from my grasp.  My plan for a husband and family, a place to call home and career path was all taken.  My friends were all scattered in different cities after graduation.  (Regardless, they have been absolutely incredible through my circumstances and have been here for me no matter the distance!! Thank Y'all).  No, none of it was the worst thing that could happen, but it all hurt.  It all ripped apart my plan.  I will never trust perfectly until the Perfect comes again, but I am called to try, to waltz (in the words of Rev. Bobby Flayhart).  We are to trust, fight, and get back up, trust, fight, and get back up. The waltz should be our plan, and let God be in control of the pace.

This post is merely a glimpse of the tremendous work He is doing in my life right now.  I struggled with even the idea of sharing the experiences I have recently gone through and am still facing it.  However, with the encouragement of others and in faith that the Lord will use this part of my testimony for the growth of His kingdom, I am able to confidently share my heart. More to come!

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11